24

It's 4 in the afternoon in this lazy Sunday, I'm lying in bed with the blinds shut and the curtains closed. We celebrated my 24th last night and we ended at dawn in the 9th of October. I feel like sleeping but I couldn't. In the shadows of the corner of my room I try to hide away from the thoughts I usually get after a night of drinking. It's hard to avoid thoughts of past lovers or love in general for that matter. Just having another year pass makes me start to re-evaluate my readiness to settle down. I always thought that 24 is too young and still think it is, but I was just hoping that when I do decide to settle down it would be after knowing someone for years. It's been more than 2 years since I actually had a long term relationship, and after that ended I thought that I would just try to "play the field". Those 2 years made me realize that I'm not that person. I think I also had enough time to "focus on myself" and it's right about time to open myself up again to new people in hopes to meet the right person.


I'm a year older and I think it's also about time to get over my fears and insecurities, and let go of what held me back for too long.

"All the people i once knew
The faces i once could relate to
24 years is such a vast sea of time
And all the life that i've gone through
The things i thought i could get use to
24 years yet i'm still just a child"


Lines from the song 24 by Wolfgang

Hoping to Take Control

"Today I will start taking control of my life. Today I will start going back to my right weight"
-Silvain Alarilla

I'm quoting myself on this because I can't even remember the times I said this to myself, not the exact words but something to the effect. I always felt my being over weight is caused by the lack of control. I remember this old movie, titled "The Blob", an entity that just started out small and eventually turned gigantic because it engulfed anything and everything.

I was born at 9lbs, that's heavy if you compare it to the average Filipino. I don't know how it started but I always thought that I was born fat, but when I looked at my old photo albums, it didn't seem like I was really overweight. Although it was clear that I was bigger than the other kids. I still remember the first time I was called a fatty when I was in Kindergarten and I remember saying to myself that, "I'm fat anyway, so I might as well enjoy the food I'm eating". At such a young age I was misguided with that thinking just because of some faceless kid. I guess at a young age one's ego is still very fragile. In elementary school I was a wallflower trying to hide myself from people with hurtful words. Still there was no escape from the cruelty of young children. When I was faced with those horrible experiences my defense mechanism was just to eat. So I grew up an "emo eater". I ate when I'm rejected. I ate to celebrate. I ate when I'm stressed. I ate when I'm angry and hurt.

I'm the tallest kid in class

The Blob

So like the blob I grew and grew. It was like a vicious cycle, I was teased of being fat so I ate more, so I grew more weight so I was teased more. It's hard to blame anyone, they were kids they didn't know any better. They would just pick on someone who is different. Although also like them I also didn't know any better. I didn't realize how much it would affect my health in the future. The only time I slimmer was when I was in my 4th year in High School. I lost weight but I was still overweight in paper. I was happy but not content. It was so difficult to keep it up because like any highschooler I was busy with my bad habits. I was drinking and smoking, which is something that someone who wants to lose weight shouldn't do. I cut down on what I ate but I was increasing the amount I was drinking. It took 2 years before I got back to my old weight.

Moving to the states didn't help either. I was surrounded by food that was new to me and proportions that are more than what a Filipino should eat. Now I'm almost a 24 year who's nearing 300lbs. I'm afraid that I will never be able to call myself physically fit. In losing weight, the first step is not the hardest. The most difficult thing to do is having follow through. I'm stuck with bad habits that I never grew out off. I think what makes obesity a disease is the psychological side of it. Food is an addiction. In my case I used it to cope, to make me feel good, even if later on I know it would only cause me depression.

I know I'm not alone. Let's not lose hope, let's just lose weight because nothing can help us feel as good as being genuinely healthy.

HINDIpendence.

When the clocks turn to 9AM (Pacific Time) here in Seattle, the clocks turn to 12AM in the Philippines. So even if the calendar reads June 11 here in Seattle, I started my celebration of our Philippine Independence. By celebration I meant, having a "nap" at noontime, eating a quarter of a watermelon, and watching old TV shows. Yes I'm still unemployed but on a happy note I'm just waiting for my RN-License to be able to practice in the great state of Washington. I know I really shouldn't have anything to complain about; I'm living comfortably in our functional apartment and I have my brother to thank for that. It's just difficult to bear the guilt of being financially dependent. I guess at the the moment I'm Hindipendent (Hindi meaning no in Filipino and mixing it with the word independent). I just thought the lousy pun is appropriate for the lousy way I feel.

 It may not seem like it at the moment but I really do want to be an EMPLOYED nurse (yes I emphasized employed because yes I am technically a nurse) but I just feel that at the moment it's not in my hands anymore, it's in the hands of the government employees working for the Department of Health. Maybe it's the thought that things are beyond my control is what's bothering me. There is also that thought of me not being able to gain employment right away because the recession has left hospitals with budget cuts and employment at the moment is very selective.

Before one graduates, one has an ideal they want to match up after 4 years of  nursing school. Most want to have a bit of rest for a while then be employed as soon as possible. That standard was made up by the idea that those years in college should have meant something, that somehow that "achievement" was worth employment in the field that one worked so hard to study. The experience you go through to graduate nursing school wasn't like a walk in the park. Nursing school for me was a rotation of long nights studying, going to "far far away" for our community nursing, staying up all night for our nocturnal shift or waking up early to go to my 5:30am shift at the hospital, then having to stay up to finish paper work from the clinical experience. Given the brief description of what nursing school was like for me, it may seem like maybe I do need this "break" but then again, isn't the point of college was being able to be independent eventually?

I know I'm not alone in this. There are so many nursing graduates in my country that are unemployed or underemployed. This happened because a few years ago someone claimed that there was a "nursing shortage" in many western countries. Eventually a bunch of nursing schools opened up to accommodate to the increased number of high school grads who want to take up nursing. The case nowadays is that it is more difficult for Philippine nursing graduates to gain employment abroad. Sadly, the hospitals  in the Philippines have bigger percentages of budget cuts than the ones here in the US even if the hospitals are severely understaffed. So again the cries of hindipendence for my fellow graduates.

Ironically our "True Independence Day" is the 4th of July too. It's because that was the date when the US declared that we are "free" from their hands. Somehow it still feels like the Philippines is still dependent, not only to the US but also to other countries. Which begs the question, "malaya ka ba talaga?"

Maybe I'm just an unemployed bum left alone with his thoughts for too long and I don't have a solid reason to complain. So I guess all I have to say is that, I really appreciate how our ancestors fought for the freedom of the land I love, but those struggles shouldn't be left in vain. The Fight for True Independence is still ongoing, not just on the battle fields, but in our everyday lives. Maligayang Araw ng Kalayaan sa mahal kong Pilipinas kahit na ako'y isang expat na at malayo sa iyong yakap.

East Meets West

Spring is in Seattle, and you can really feel it whenever you see the cherry blossoms all around the city. Pink or white petals falling gracefully to the ground as the sun brightens up its color. These trees weren't actually native in the evergreen state. These trees are actually from Japan and it's presence here is because of the effect of globalization and immigration.

The Japanese are very well represented here in Washington State that the Cherry Blossom Festival is also celebrated here. So I decided to join my brother and headed to Seattle Center in hopes to find out more about the Japanese and their culture.

Since the forecast said that it would be cloudy that day, it was a nice surprise to start the day with a lot of sunshine. Unfortunately it didn't last long, but still the vibrant colors of the various traditional outfits and lively music made this cloudy day a little bit sunnier.

They had displays about Tokyo and it's city's humbling organization. It showed how their culture puts importance in order and grace. It is reflected through their art, fashion, horticulture, dance, and music. They truly have a rich culture, although it's noticeable that there are few of the younger Japanese who participated in the events. Which begs the question, of how much of my own culture will be retained by my (hopefully) sons and daughters.

This self reflection continued further when I watched the film,  "One Big Happa Family" (click to watch video). It's basically about how migration affected the mixing of races. It made me think on how being here can change the course of my family lineage. To be honest I haven't really imagined myself marrying someone who is not Filipino. It has nothing to do with race but it has more to do on a cultural level. A part of me is afraid that if I were to marry someone who is not Filipino, she would not be able to understand how me being Filipino affects the way I act and think.

How different can it be though? The Philippines has been greatly influenced by western culture since we have been under the Spanish and American Rule before. Their influence is even greater for me because ever since I was a kid, lived in Metro Manila. Metro Manila may not entirely look like a city in a western country but if you would pay attention to the different products, stores and food chains you would see that they are actually imported to our little country. Some of these imported goodies are, McDonald's, Starbucks, Gloria Jean's, Shakey's (although ironically it is more famous there), Apple Stores, and KFC to name a few. Shakey's is even one of our favorite places to go to as a family. Even the movies and TV shows I watch are from the U.S. and I rarely watched Filipino films or shows, not even the ever famous Eat Bulaga, a long-time running noon-time show. Filipinos have a passion to support so many foreign products but neglect their local goods. This is termed as Colonial Mentality (est. 1521). Some Filipinos even try so hard to have fairer skin that we have products like Papaya Soap and Glutathion injections.

So what makes a Filipino? Is it the number of San Miguel Beer you drank in a lifetime? Is it the tsinelas (flip-flops) you wear everywhere? Is it how much we like having our pictures taken with "good background"? Is it how kayumangi (brown) your skin is? Or is it how mean your Adobo tastes?

I may not even be able to answer that myself because the Filipino Culture is also a rich one. I can also say that our culture is a mix and match of different cultures. Aside from our western influence, we also have influences from our neighboring countries such as China, Japan (which also ruled over the Philippines for a time), Malaysia, India, and Arab. We have also have over a hundred different languages in the Philippines. One of them is even a mix of Visayan and Spanish Language. The Filipino Culture is a multi-cultural culture, so to speak. If I can't define my own culture how am I suppose to pass it to my future children and their children? I guess I will have to start with what I know and what I know is how to be Taga-kyusi (a person Quezon City, Metro Manila). We are modern, open minded city-folk who are known to be wais or street smart.

I just really want to pass down and share my culture. So I hope that whoever I would marry (whether Filipino or not), we would be able to work something out with true love, open-mindedness and respect.

Rain isn't just rain

Hearing the pitter-patter of the rain by the window somehow reminded me of home. It's strangely comforting. It has been a while since I actually heard raindrops, even if Seattle is known to have rain so frequently. The rain here is finer, even mist-like at times. They don't make a racket unlike the rain in the Philippines, where the rain drops can really soak you from the size and density.

People argue that Seattle isn't really that rainy because the amount of precipitation is even less than cities like New York and Atlanta. Seattle's not even in the top 10 when it comes to the amount of rain when it comes to inches. Quezon City even beats the average amount of precipitation of Seattle (77.7 vs 38.2 according to weather.com). On the other hand, Seattle is part of the top 10 when it comes to the number of rainy days. It's even in the number 2 slot. I didn't think that the number of rainy days (156 ave.) would even be a drastic change for me, because we had a rainy season in the Philippines. When I checked the numbers, the rough average of rainy days per year in the Philippines is just close (144 ave.). The Philippine's weather is separated only into two seasons dry and wet. Part of the dry season around December to Feb has cooler temperatures while summer is during March to May. The rest of the year is rainy. Although everything is still very different. In the Philippines the rain would pour like crazy and then the sun would come out. Unlike here, where it would just drizzle for long periods. The rain lingers.


In the winter, I experienced wishing it would rain so that it would be warmer. Why you may ask? I observed that in the Winter the weather becomes more frigid when the sun is out. If you weren't under the sun you would feel the cold winter weather. Apparently the clouds served as something like a blanket, keeping the warmer air within the city. It seems a bit backwards coming from where I'm from. In the P.I. you would sometimes wish for cloudier or rainy weather to be relieved from the heat of the scorching sun.

I'm actually not bothered by the rain, in fact it reminds me of home. I guess these small differences are just some reminders that I am not in my homeland. I like it here but I guess it's just easy to get homesick when you are away from what you called for almost your whole life. It's perfectly normal to be homesick, but it's also important to just push through and go on with my life. Life will be my adventure and seeing the world will be my story.

Connected

It's the year 2011, a decade has passed since the start of my adolescence. Now I'm not only facing the changes of being considered an adult but also the changes in how the world goes round. Not to sound old but things were definitely different back then. It's been a while since I actually used a real telephone. I owned my first cellphone at the last year of elementary school. It was a bit big and bulky and for some reason back in that time the smaller phone you had the better. I didn't really mind much but coming from my school you would sooner or later notice how different you were and how easily someone can make fun of that difference. I tried my best to ignore all of the hype because for me it was more for convenience, a better way to keep in touch. Still, there were limitations to the use of cellphones, unlimited text messaging wasn't even invented, and internet connections were as slow slugs. So I used the not so old fashioned telephone, to be able to talk for hours with friends and even "lady friends". If you know what I mean? We Filipinos even have a term for it, which is called Telebabad. Combined with the two words telephone and babad, which means to soak, the term would literally mean to soak yourself with the telephone. If I were to give it a better definition it would mean to immerse yourself in the telephone. Immerse does seem like a word that would be fitting to some of the conversations I had. It was more personal and required more listening skills and attentiveness to keep up with a conversation. It's a bit different with today's  IM's, PM's and SMS's because in these forms of communication the recipient has more time to think about what to say next and even has the option to not say anything at all. Although on the other hand hanging up the phone gives you that option too, it's just really rude.

I'm not really making some sort of social commentary about how texting depersonalizes the whole communication process, I'm just describing how technology has changed the way we stay connected. Now I utilize more than a handful ways to get a message across, I have my cellphone to call and text, and my laptop (with the powers of WiFi) to instant message, access social networks, video-call,  email and Blog. That doesn't stop there, Blogs can now be subcategorized to normal blogs, photoblogs (Flickr), videoblogs (Youtube), and (yes) microblogs. Now we can access social networking sites with the use of our cellphones via texting or if your phone has internet capabilities. We can even mash-up these sites to one seemingly neat-looking package. All this, makes it seem like our generation is addicted to keeping ourselves up-to-date and connected on each and every little thing. From friends tweeting about how this person saw this person and how they had LOLz together, to knowing which celebrity embarrassed himself or herself the most, we just want to know. Even I am guilty of some of this. It just makes me ask myself if I really just want to be connected, or am I just distracting myself from the fact that: I am away from the people I want be with?